May 04, 2005

27 ways to be a good Republican...

In response to this (22 ways to be a good Democrat)

  1. You have to be against a woman’s right to choose, but support the murder of thousands by air strike.
  2. You have to believe that a shopping mall is better than a backyard, as long as it’s not YOUR backyard.
  3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of drug dealers and gang-bangers are less of a threat than countries that have never fired a weapon at Americans here in America.
  4. You have to believe that there were no airlines before Federal funding, tax breaks and kickbacks.
  5. You have to believe that global temperatures are more permanently affected by natural changes in the earth's climate than billions of tons of waste gasses pumped into the atmosphere by coal and natural gas power plants.
  6. You have to believe that the sex of someone else’s spouse is actually your business, but your adultery isn’t anyone else’s business.
  7. You have to believe that the AIDS epidemic cannot be slowed with the assistance of the Federal government.
  8. You have to believe that the teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is doing a great job.
  9. You have to believe that hunters care about nature because the 10-point rack on the wall shows their commitment to it.
  10. You have to believe that things magically happen even if you have no self-esteem.
  11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson made The Passion Of The Christ because Christ died for our sins and not to gain notoriety.
  12. You have to believe the ACLU is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, but the NRA is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
  13. You have to believe that taxes are too high and the deficit, trade gap and unemployment levels are too low.
  14. You have to believe that Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, John F. Kennedy, and Thomas Edison.
  15. You have to believe that standardized tests are not racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are.
  16. You have to believe that George W. Bush is normal and is a smart, well-spoken person with no hidden agendas.
  17. You have to believe that a representative democratic republic will work for everyone, regardless of belief, history or ideology and that it’s okay to kill a considerable percentage of them to bring it to them.
  18. You have to believe that a President having consensual sex with another adult is far worse than a President who’s eager to send our children off to get killed in a war that isn’t a war to find weapons that didn’t exist.
  19. You have to believe that Christmas and Easter were originally Christian holidays and not co-opted seasonal festivals of Pagans.
  20. You have to believe that changing the rules of the Senate and the Ethics Committee to protect Republican Senators is somehow in the best interest to the United States.
  21. You have to believe that we actually went to war in Iraq to find WMDs because they were a clear and present threat to the United States.
  22. You have to believe that Republican backed special interest groups didn't finance The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, they got the idea and money on their own.
  23. You have to believe Bill Clinton getting a blowjob in the Oval Office is appalling, but Newt Gingrich serving his wife with divorce papers on her deathbed is A-OK.
  24. You have to believe in defending the sanctity of marriage except when it’s a husband trying to fulfill his wife’s wish in ending her life.
  25. You have to feel that marriage is sacrosanct and inviolate while ignoring the fact that 61% of Catholics get divorced and another 7% get their marriages annulled.
  26. You have to believe that what John Kerry did 30 years ago is important, but what George W. Bush didn't do 30 years ago isn't.
  27. You have to believe that this message was authored by a left-wing pinko socialist bleeding heart liberal.

I could go on and on and on. That's why I go to a help group: On And On Anon. Funny thing is, I'm not really a Democrat.


Anonymous said...

my favorite:

You have to believe that George W. Bush is normal and is a smart, well-spoken person with no hidden agendas.

Ernie said...

After looking through this list again because of Jeff's comment, I realize that my last comment is inacurate. I am a Democrat, at least much more so than a Libertarian, as I had previously styled myself.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! I was so peeved when my Dad sent me the "22 ways to be a good Democrat" email. I started to laugh and laugh when I saw your Republican version and thank you for giving me the opportunity to continue this hilarious game with my dad. Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Let's all be AMERICANS, not Democrats, Republicans, African-Americans, Jamaican-Americans, or any other Hyphen-Americans.

Don't we all want a better standard of living ? We all SHOULD KNOW that to realize this American dream, you have to get off your lazy butt and work hard. Work to get educated any way you can (it doesn't have to be in school, I have an engineering degree with some post-graduate work, and everything I learned in school is also in books at your local public library). There are many ways to educate yourself, but you have to WORK (HARD) FOR IT.

While you are being educated (a lifelong task) DO SOMETHING to help someone and make the world a better place.

We can disagree without being hostile. I believe we will never eliminate discrimination as long as government forms have a place to state your "race". It should not even be a consideration. Sure, it was abominable the way many colored people were brought to this country, but no one alive today experienced that. As a "white" American, I never profited from the oppression of any minorities, in fact I was once told by a major American corporation that although I was highly qualified for the job I was applying for, they were only hiring Blacks because of government mandates! THAT is discrimination, and so is race based "set-asides", "quotas", and whatever else you want to call it.

As Dr. Martin Luther King so eloquently put it, "people should be judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character", and this works BOTH WAYS. for blacks, whites, red and yellow, or whatever color you happen to be.

As an NRA life member, I know that our 2nd amendment rights are VERY IMPORTANT to the preservation of a free society, second ONLY to the 1st amendment right to free speech. It's not about duck hunting (duh), The founding fathers had just fought a war for independence against a "well regulated militia", the British Army. The language "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State" recognizes the necessity of the government maintaining a standing army. It's about checks and balances. Since the government cannot be reasonably disarmed, the offsetting balance is that "the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." It's about the people being armed so as to be able to resist an oppressive government, like the American revolutionaries resisted the King of England's repressive rule, and it most certainly applies to "assault rifles", maybe more than any other type of weapon.

Of course the founders believed they had created a new form of government where armed resistance would never be necessary, but they also recognized that they may have overlooked an opportunity for nefarious corrupt officials to take over the system. Hence, " the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." Of course they could never have envisioned nuclear weapons, and I think prohibition of private individuals "keeping and bearing" an H-Bomb is something we could all agree is a reasonable "infringement" on our 2nd amendment rights. I believe that a constitutional amendment is required to implement even this reasonable infringement.

God bless you all,
Don't worry, be Happy !