April 26, 2007

Something that goes "Beep!"

Hello ladies! (think sleazy lounge lizard voice there)

This time I want to help you. No, not by asking you to do anything you wouldn't normally do but most guys hope you would (Hint: Think VERY tight clothing). No, this time I'm going to bail you out.

Okay, you screwed up. Seriously. You not only screwed the pooch, but you took it out back, beat the snot out of it and took it's lunch money. Fine. You're convinced that the man in your life is going to leave when he finds out, right? Wrong. Here's what you do.

Buy him something that goes "Beep!". Not just anything that goes "Beep!" but something he doesn't already have. There, your problems are all solved. Guys are simple creatures.

If you haven't seen Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, go ahead and rent it. Watch it when you have the time to laugh yourself to tears. Go ahead, I'll wait...

(Sometime later...)

Alright, watched it? Funny wasn't it? Did you like the part about the fish in the fish tank watching the diners in the restaurant? Me too. "Hey look, Howard's getting eaten!" "Is he?"

Anyway, a LONG time before that, in the first scene (The Miracle of Birth), the Hospital Administrator shows off the "Machine that goes 'BING!'". See how happy he was with it? Same deal with your guy.

Not cutting it huh? As long as you didn't sleep with the best man in your wedding, things are still repairable. Seriously. If you slept with your Maid of Honor, your only fault is not tape recording it or inviting him into the fun. You're still cool.

Okay, so it's really, really, really bad. You trashed his computer. You wrecked his Lexus with your $600 shoes from Needless-Markup. Not to worry. Here's what you do.

Still get him something that goes "Beep!", but this time try to make it gas powered.

Until next time...